I know it's been a long time since I've written anything. The silence...I've felt the weight of it. I guess I've been a little gun-shy...sometimes just thinking about what to give voice to is often paralyzing to the point of...well...not writing anything. I think I've been coming to grips with my evolution as a person. So many events I can recall (probably many more I can't - part of that evolution thing I suppose) have impacted me.
Maybe part of my hesitancy to write is because I realized my evolution had something to do with the way I was interpreting the events unfolding before me. I could tell that the naivete with which I viewed the world was eroding. It's part and parcel with getting older...being a father, seeing my kids grow, seeing humanity in its full spectrum up close & personal as well as from a distance has caused me to open my eyes a bit wider.
This isn't to say that I've developed a crusty disposition. On the contrary. I find simple joys all around me and it pleases me that I can. I love my family deeply...I think all the time how I wish I could spend more time with them. If anything, I've grown to appreciate them more and more because I understand how special it is to spend time with people who love you without condition...who love just to be with you. Their happiness fills my heart. It's a magical, wondrous thing. I thank the LORD for them and for the joy they bring.
On the flip side, seeing people I care about pass from this earth has been emotional. I have but a shadow of a feeling of their loss compared to those who were closest to and love them most. It's their hurt and grief that I can feel. My hope in Christ informs me, however, that He has made them perfect. Bodies and hearts broken because of sickness are being made anew because of Him. It hurts but it doesn't end there. I'm thankful for that too.
You realize too how rare it is for people to take ownership for things that happen. What kind of world would this be if there were fewer victims. Don't misunderstand me here, I get things happen that are completely outside of any measure of control or influence we could exert. But generally, who we are and the circumstances in which we find ourselves are often the sum total of our own decision-making - for better or worse. It's chic to pass the buck, but oh is it tired...and tacky. Like the GEICO commercials say, it's what you do.
There's a scripture that comes to mind - Psalm 90:12 - that says "teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom". A bit sobering, but incredibly timely. It cuts to the quick...and through the noisiness of what fills our thoughts...my thoughts. My hope and prayer is that we all have a better sense of who we are, a better understanding of the world in which we live and our "fit" in it. And that in growing older, we strike the balance between wisdom and wonder.