"What am I going to have for breakfast? Cereal? Toast? Bacon? Cold pizza? Do I even have time to eat?!"
"What am I going to wear to work today? Contrast? Monochromatic? Casual? Business? Lace-ups or loafers?"
"Should I call them back or should I just send a text? Or should I Facebook them? Or should I Tweet them? Or should I call them, send a text, Facebook message them, Tweet and Skype them?!"
"Should I acknowledge this stranger with eye contact? If so, do I just nod or should I say something? If I speak, should I just keep it quick and light? Do I have time to talk? Should I smile with my eyes or with my mouth or both? Or should I just keep my head down and keep it moving?"
Right now, what I'm debating is whether or not I should go to bed or stay up (currently 1:31 a.m. CST), listening to my iPod while I create this blog post, the first one in about a year and a half in case anyone was keeping track. :) As I weigh this, what keeps coming to mind are the choices I've made over the last year. It's been a roller coaster ride to say the least. Some I saw coming while others have been difficult but nonetheless necessary. While examining all of this, I know that I've made good ones, bad ones and ones that fall in that gray area of life that are still working themselves out.
I'm grateful that through everything, I've seen God's provision in my life and with my limited "sight", can see His fingerprints all around me. I know that in many cases, I've missed out on blessings God intended for me. It's not because of His lack of mercy or goodness. It's because of my choices that I've missed out. That's hard for me to get my head around. But I'm learning to accept it and trying my best to learn from my mistakes so that I don't miss out on anything else He has for me going forward.
What I know beyond a doubt is that He's still at work. He sent Deedra to me at a time in my life when I was just trying to make sense of the chaos that had enveloped me. And through all of this transition, she has been a steadying force in my life. Our friendship has grown and strengthened. We've been through a lot together...and through it I've seen in her a strength, grace and warmth that defies the circumstances in which we've found ourselves.
KK and Isaiah are amazing kids. They always have been. And they have shown how resilient and tough-minded they are through everything. I know that it's been tough on them, incredibly so, to deal with the world as they knew it completely change. I swore to myself as a young married person that I'd never put my kids through that because of my own experience with divorce as a 7-year old. It's sobering to think how history has repeated itself. There's a part of me that hates myself for what I've done to cause my children pain through this process. I don't know if I'll ever completely forgive myself for it. But I know the love I have for them pushes through all of that to focus me and to give them my very best when I see and spend time with them. And it pushes me to work to provide the life for them they deserve...the kind of life that, you guessed it, allows them to have choices.
There's so much to figure out...so many choices to make. My prayer is that each day I have, I make the kind of choices that my wife and kids would be proud of...choices that cumulatively make their lives better. That's not a burden...it's a privilege. I...chose that.